


to not love less (to love more)

by starryJ



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: 100 Drabble Challenge, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon Compliant, Drabble Collection, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 15,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25146232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryJ/pseuds/starryJ
Summary: a little bit's enough, when all that's left is love.(20 drabbles about 20 ways to say "i love you". mostly between 600-1000 words.)
Relationships: Kang Younghyun | Young K/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 79
Kudos: 113
Collections: Day6 OTPs





	1. pull over. let me drive for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> title and summary from angels and airwaves' "all that's left is love". go check it out. 
> 
> inspired by p0ck3tf0x's post on tumblr. honestly, i've been wanting to challenge myself with something like this for quite a while, and now i have both the opportunity and a pack of ideas. 
> 
> please support me with kudos and comments, it literally means the world for me. 
> 
> Lau said she doesn't need this as a gift, but. it's for you anyway.  
> thank you so, so much for everything. i love you lots.
> 
> UPD: 100 turned into 20 because i'm sadly not planning to continue this work. sorry for that, but i don't feel that comfortable with this fandom anymore (and no, it has nothing to do with music, i still love day6 an awful lot).

a trip to ikea certainly wasn’t a part of their plan on how to spend this sunny friday evening – at least it wasn’t a part of jae’s plan, that much he can say for sure. when brian kissed him slow and sweet in the morning, he was already imagining himself back in his husband’s embrace after work and had little to zero expectations about this evening – all he wanted was to relax and maybe kiss and cuddle a little more.

brian’s plan, however, was slightly different from his own.

“you need a distraction,” he said once he came to pick jae up from the office which is quite far from their small house. “you’ve been staring at the screen for too long, it’s time to change the scenery.”

and this is how an hour later jae found himself lost in the sea of soft pillows and fluffy blankets with some weird swedish names – to be honest, none of them made sense to him, and even looking at those strange letters already made his head spin. he doesn’t pay much attention to the names, though, not since brian refused to get them another ikea shark, saying that they already have one. no matter how much jae tried to make him believe that their shark needs a friend, or maybe even a significant other, as he said, wiggling his eyebrows, brian still didn’t want to buy it.

and so he earned himself a very pouty jae, who didn’t want to hold hands anymore and tried to hide among all the kitchen furniture instead. brian spent most of the evening sighing and wondering why on earth would a twenty-seven years old adult constantly act like a child, but still, he didn’t regret marrying jae, not for a second.

with another sigh, he placed twelve scented candles from their shopping cart back on their shelf, fully aware of the fact they still had another ten candles back home. jae didn’t even seem to notice that, too busy pouting at him and looking for something to eat, his stomach rumbling quietly for the past half an hour.

once they finished eating the most famous ikea dish called köttbullar (jae couldn’t stop giggling at the name, but brian was already too tired to ask why) and spent another five minutes trying to find a way out, they finally got back into the car.

jae is sat on the passenger seat, holding their new ikea shark proudly, and he is so happy about it that brian doesn’t even want to think how the hell did the shark end up in their car when he took so much effort to put it back and stop jae from buying it. right now, he is just glad to see jae smiling again, because this working week has been quite rough on him.

he drives in silence, not wishing to turn on the radio, and jae seems to catch his mood too, because he doesn’t even hum anything, which would be unusual on any other day. brian is grateful for it today, his only desire being to finally get home and get changed into something more comfortable than a suit.

_“pull over,”_ jae says suddenly, placing his warm hand on brian’s thigh.

when he looks at jae with confusion, jae just shrugs and throws the shark he’s been holding so tightly at the back seat.

“you’re tired. _let me drive for a while_.”

“i’m fine,” he tries to protest, but jae’s not having it.

“no, bri, you’re not. just let me drive, will you?”

he doesn’t have that much of a choice, so he stops the car and lets jae take his seat. jae grins at him, making it impossible to not smile back, and then offers him to cuddle with the shark – at least until they get home. brian’s too tired to argue, so he takes the toy and soon finds himself dozing off.

he doesn’t notice that jae chooses a longer way home – just to let him sleep for a few more minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly have such a relationship with swedish that it can't be described. having passed the exam, i wanted to express my hate towards it, lmao.   
> actually, when i first saw the word "köttbullar", i was convinced it was something like cinnamon buns. well, i haven't been to ikea before that and it showed.


	2. it reminded me of you.

jae can’t help but to roll his eyes when brian comes home with a giant teddy bear instead of two bags full of food like it was supposed to be. for a moment, he considers the possibility of not letting him back home, but then brian’s smiling face comes into sight and he all but melts, fully opening the door with a quiet sigh.

“come on in,” he says, although he still feels annoyed – after all, they’re not getting their dinner on time because of that.

the bear “enters” their apartment first, and then brian takes some time to figure out how to get inside while still holding it. three minutes later he asks for help, and jae snorts, but still takes the toy, already thinking of someone who’d be happy to take it away from them.

see, it wouldn’t be such a problem if it wasn’t the third teddy bear brian got home in just a month. well, if they lived in a huge house, it would perhaps not make him this annoyed, but in reality they’re forced to somehow share two tiny rooms and an even tinier kitchen, so there’s barely any room for their clothes and music instruments, let alone bringing more things.

“bri,” he begins with a stern look when he finally finds a place for that bear. “i thought we already had that talk about impulsive buying.”

brian nods slowly, guilt written all over his face, his excitement all gone suddenly. jae almost regrets acting like this because there aren’t many things that make brian this happy, especially now that he’s this stressed because of his final exams coming up, keyword “almost”. he’d give a lot to always see his boyfriend smiling, but this is too much even for him, who is used to brian’s weird and sometimes even questionable actions.

“you don’t like it?” brian asks, chewing on his lower lip and looking anywhere but at jae. “it’s for you.”

jae sighs.

“it’s cute, bribri, really. i would love to keep it, i bet it’s really nice to sleep with, or, sleep on, which sounds more likely, but we don’t have much space for ourselves, and you can’t seem to understand that.”

“it just… ah, whatever. you’re right.”

usually, it takes way more time to make him realize he was wrong. although today he surrenders almost immediately, jae doesn’t feel that he won. if anything, he feels guilty this time, as if he stole someone’s favorite toy or something. he knows he’s right, but something about brian’s sad expression, the way his smile falls, tells him he should’ve given it more thought before judging.

“i’m sorry,” jae says, trying to lighten up the mood. “i think we can keep it here, but only if you promise that you won’t buy any more.”

 _“it reminded me of you,”_ brian admits, taking a step forward to place his hands on jae’s waist and pull him closer. “look, you two are so alike.”

when jae looks to where the bear is sat on the floor, he honestly doesn’t see anything similar between him and the toy, but this time he knows better and just nods, not trusting his words any further than he already did this evening. brian grins at that and then jae feels warm lips on his cheek, making him smile too.

it’s just not possible to stay mad at this guy, he thinks, not when he smiles like that. and brian, as if able to read his mind, only pulls him even closer, giving him a slow kiss on the lips. he softens at that, kissing back with the same amount of love, every reason to be angry with brian long forgotten now.

“thank you,” he whispers quietly, putting their tiny fight to an end.


	3. no, no, it's my treat.

when jae finally takes a quick glance at the clock, his eyes widen upon realization he not only missed dinner tonight, but must probably have everyone worried by now. and yet, he still doesn’t want to close the file just now, something inside (probably, just his inner stubbornness) telling him that he’s already close to figuring out what kind of a piano melody would fit this song best. he hits play over and over again, trying different ways of playing the same melody, humming something quietly, but ends up just staring at the screen in front of him.

he’s already spent seven hours locked in the studio, but is still nowhere near finishing this song and, to be fair, it’s making him quite annoyed already, but he’s so obsessed with this one that he sets his mind on going further without any breaks until he finds the answer – or, perhaps, until he just falls asleep on the keyboard.

he doesn’t hear that someone knocks on the door, too focused on staring at the same spot on the computer screen, so he nearly falls from the chair when someone gently taps him on the shoulder. jae isn’t sure when was the last time his heart was beating this fast, because for the first few seconds he believes he already started hallucinating; he then notices it’s just brian offering him a shy smile and visibly relaxes, letting out a sigh of relief.

“how long have you been here?” brian asks, and something in his face tells jae that he better not even think of lying to him.

“about seven hours?” he suggests, not even sure about it himself. “it’s fine, i just wanted to make sure i finish this one, but i guess it’s not my lucky day.”

“come on,” brian says with a frown, offering his hand for jae to hold. “get up.”

“why?”

“just do it.”

jae is confused, but tries his best not to show it; he’d trust brian with his life, so he just gets up and takes brian’s hand, letting the other lead him to the small restaurant across the road. sometimes, when they’re too busy to actually go home and cook, but want to change the surroundings for a bit, they eat here. sometimes, yes. but today jae has absolutely no idea as to why brian would want him to come here, so he almost starts to get angry: mad at himself for not finishing working on the song and at brian for not letting him stay longer.

“you worry too much,” brian says and leans in to steal a quick kiss from his plump lips.

for the third time in just half an hour, jae is taken aback. he looks at brian with wide eyes as if kang has just killed someone, then looks around and only breathes out when he sees that the restaurant is pretty much empty. it makes brian chuckle and give him another peck on the lips before placing a hand on the small of his back and guiding him to their favorite table.

“trust me,” brian says once they’re sat down and waiting for their food to arrive. “you really need this.”

“i think you’re right,” jae sighs, not really willing to admit it, yet still not having much energy left to argue.

“the song won’t go anywhere, but you mindlessly staring at that screen for hours won’t help at all,” he shrugs before adding something that makes jae smile. “at least, that’s what you used to tell me during every day6.”

“and i still feel the same about it,” jae mumbles, but he’s too stubborn to give up just like that. “but it’s different.”

“it’s not,” brian says simply, and jae knows that it’s the end of this conversation.

they eat in silence, but it’s not because they don’t have much to discuss. it’s brian’s way of showing jae how much he cares, how worried he is, and that he’s always there for jae to lean on his shoulder. jae is grateful for that, but he doesn’t need words to express it either – his tired smile and the way he reaches to hold brian’s hand under the table say it way louder than any words you can find in the world.

 _“no, no, it’s my treat,”_ brian is quick to stop him when he pulls out their company card to pay.

it makes jae frown slightly.

“hey, bri, it’s not my money, it’s the company card. and even if it was, then what?”

“it’s my treat, baby, just let me pay,” brian insists and jae can’t say no to him.

when they leave the restaurant, it’s already some time past midnight, but, somehow, jae doesn’t feel as tired as he did before brian came to check up on him.

he smiles, once again thanking the universe.


	4. come here. let me fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm actually thinking of giving it up cuz it feels like none of my writings are actually wanted here but we'll see
> 
> anyways it's probably my fave part so far so enjoy
> 
> and thank you to everyone who supported me :(   
> every comment means so, so much to me...

after all those years of living together with brian, it feels weird to be at the same house but not be able to come see him, ruffle his soft hair, kiss him on the forehead and just… be with him. jae knows it’s just for a few hours, but he wonders who the hell came up with this weird tradition, and, to be more specific, what was that for?

he sighs, hands automatically coming to tug on the black necktie, successfully ruining the perfect look that wonpil spent so much time creating. he knows wonpil is going to be mad at him once he comes back after checking if everything is ready for tonight, but doesn’t really worry about it. so wonpil is going to nag him, so what?

he’s never been this nervous in his whole life – not even when he first built enough courage to confess to brian on valentine’s day so many years ago.

jae once again looks at his reflection, looking for his own imperfections, not knowing what else he can do for the next few hours. he’s alone in this room and the silence of their usually loud house is almost killing him.

when his phone starts ringing, he’s surprised to see brian’s name on the screen. the man must be just as bored, jae thinks, and hits the green button right away.

“hey,” brian says, and this sound alone is already enough to make jae smile.

“hey yourself,” he replies. “how are the things on your side of the house?”

he means the question to be funny, nothing but teasing, but brian seems to take it seriously as he goes quiet for a few moments before replying.

“well, sungjin has just dropped that vase wonpil liked so much… i don’t think it survived the fall, because i heard sungjin cursing under his breath before going to hide somewhere downstairs. not sure if he’s going to survive this evening himself after that.”

jae laughs at that, the image of sungjin trying to run for his life from a very furious kim wonpil already bright in his mind. he almost misses the same question from brian.

“nothing here,” he says with another sigh. “but it’s good, i believe, wonpil is already going to ignore us for the next few months after tonight, there’s no need to add more to it.”

“wonpil is going to be disappointed, but not surprised. at least he has dowoon to confide in,” brian jokes, making jae chuckle again. “damn, this suit is so cool.”

there goes the teasing; jae doesn’t even have anything to say back at first. brian knows how much jae wants to see him right now and uses it just enough to make him feel like he’s sitting on the pins and needles. at this exact moment, he suddenly hates brian, but just for this short while before he comes up with a reply.

“something is wrong with my necktie again, wonpil is certainly going to kill me once he comes back. i was never good with those things.”

 _“come here,”_ brian says almost immediately, and jae isn’t sure if he’s being serious right now. _“let me fix it.”_

“are you sure you’re going to fix it and not just undress me right there, kang?”

now jae finally feels like himself again, having found a way to tease brian back. brian is quick to continue this, though, but jae is too amused to even notice that he’s actually losing – just like he lost his heart to brian all those years ago.

“watch out, there’s just a few hours left before you become kang too. and, well, no promises, that’s for sure.”

“then no, you’re going to ruin this whole ceremony, and i cherish wonpil’s friendship too much to let you do that.”

he doesn’t mean it, to be honest, well, the part about ruining the ceremony. but he knows that if he gives in to the temptation and actually leaves the room, someone will surely catch them and he can only handle so much nagging today.

it’s supposed to be their day, but somehow everyone around seems to have forgotten that, only telling them what to do and what to avoid doing – as if they were kids.

“where’s fun in this ceremony if we only follow those old traditions? i want to kiss you right now,” brian tries again, but jae shakes his head and only then realizes that brian can’t see him.

man, how much he would love to see brian in that suit right now. he takes a deep breath – who would’ve guessed that hanging up takes so much courage on your wedding day?

“i’ll see you soon, bribri,” is all he says and then there’s a knock on the door.

he smiles.


	5. i'll walk you home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> daily updates will come back once i write enough chapters for it!

they share their first kiss under the moonlight on a very warm tuesday night.

if you ask jae who was the first to lean in, he will probably just blush and say that he isn’t sure. all he knows is that one moment he was about to get lost in brian’s fox-like eyes, shining so beautifully in the moonlight, and then suddenly brian’s lips were on his, and everything flew by in a blur after that.

to kiss brian was easily his biggest dream for the past few months, ever since he saw this “cute guy”, who reminded his friend, sungjin, of a fox. at first, he was skeptical, hesitant and unsure; all of that disappeared the moment he literally bumped into brian while looking for a book he needed to write an essay on. the library is usually a quiet place, but jae is almost ready to bet that everyone around could hear his yelp caused by hitting his elbow on the nearest bookshelf. when he looked up, he didn’t even need to know the boy’s name, sungjin’s voice echoing in his head – “i saw such a cute guy yesterday, he’s definitely your taste, especially those eyes, hyung, he’s like a fox in a human body”.

okay, jae thought looking at how brian’s face turned all red, sungjin forgot to mention one very important detail. brian wasn’t just cute, he was freaking handsome, but there was still something his friend got right: brian definitely was his taste.

for some reasons, brian believed it was all his fault, so he insisted on taking jae out for a coffee, and who was jae to say no? he, who never believed in love at first sight, somehow ended up falling for the cutest freshman he’s ever seen at their university.

“hey, you’re looking at me with those heart eyes again,” brian whispers quietly.

his voice brings jae back to reality and he can almost feel heat rising up to his cheeks. well, what else he can do when brian is so, so handsome? he doesn’t say anything, feeling all too shy and embarrassed, and it makes brian chuckle before he leans in again to press a soft kiss on jae’s nose, successfully making him blush even harder.

“good thing i asked you out myself, huh?” he keeps teasing, and jae almost wishes he never agreed to go on that date.

to be honest, no one was surprised that after all those months jae spent silently pining over the “adorable brian kang”, it was actually brian who asked him out. for a few moments jae was mad at his friends for never believing in him, but then forgot about it and went on a full panic mode about the date itself. turns out, he didn’t have to worry at all, because brian had a plan, which eventually led them to here and now, where… well.

“are you even going to say anything back? cause, you know, i can actually think that the kiss was horrible and that you hate me now.”

brian’s voice tells jae that he knows it well enough that the kiss left him speechless and that if jae hates anyone now, it’s himself – for not doing this earlier and for staying so quiet now that it really happened. he doesn’t know what to say, so instead he kisses brian again, just to make sure he’s not dreaming, that it all is happening for real.

“you’re cute,” brian says when jae pulls away, and jae chooses to try and hide in his oversized hoodie instead of having to try looking all smug and confident.

“shut up,” is all he manages to say.

brian laughs, then puts his hands in jae’s pockets and pulls him close, so that he doesn’t have a chance to run away. jae frowns, not knowing what to expect next, but all brian does is kiss him again, then again and again, until they’re both breathless.

jae thinks he accidently woke up something inside of brian that kang himself wasn’t aware of. or maybe it’s just his lips that attract the younger so much? nonetheless, he gives in to those kisses, and only remembers he still has early morning classes to attend when it’s way past midnight.

 _“i’ll walk you home,”_ brian suggests, and jae once again finds himself unable to say no, even though he knows brian actually lives on the other side of the city.

they don’t speak much, content with just holding hands, both too lost in their own minds, busy processing what has just happened. jae knows his cheeks are still red, but he’s grateful that brian chooses not to mention that anymore; he can only handle so much teasing on one night.

when they’re just five minutes away from where jae lives, it starts raining, like in all those cheesy movies. once they get inside the building, safe from the heavy and cold droplets of the rain, they both look at each other at the same time, nervous, unsure of what to say.

“um…” jae begins, but then stops and chews on his lip for a while. “you can wait for it to pass in my apartment, it shouldn’t be long. or, you could call for a taxi.”

brian’s answer is a kiss.

he ends up staying for the whole night.


	6. have a good day at work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sequel to chapter 4

when the alarm goes off at seven thirty, jae prays that brian doesn’t hear it. he quickly gets up, glances at his husband’s still sleeping form and smiles softly; he’s so whipped for this man. he then goes to the kitchen, satisfied with how quiet it is this early in the morning, and opens the fridge to take a look at what they have available to cook for breakfast and lunch.

jae knows brian is going to wake up really soon, but he hopes half an hour is going to be enough for him to make brian decent breakfast and something simple for lunch too. today’s brian’s first day at a new job in a very big company, and it’s obvious that his husband wants everything to be perfect starting from the morning, even if he can’t cook to save his life. well, it isn’t that bad, but he’s certainly worse at cooking than brian, and yet he doesn’t want brian to spend this morning cooking instead of getting ready for work.

jae chooses an easy recipe, one that can go both for breakfast and lunch, and soon he gets so immersed in it that he doesn’t even notice brian, who’s been standing by the fridge for ten minutes already, silently admiring the beauty of him. when jae does notice that, he blushes red and gestures to the stove as if brian was stupid enough to not notice it.

“making breakfast for you,” jae mumbles, clearly embarrassed. “why aren’t you dressed yet?”

“i was wondering if you could help me with a necktie, but i guess you’re too busy for that,” brian replies with a smile, slight teasing in his voice.

jae frowns for a moment: it was actually brian constantly fixing jae’s necktie for every possible occasion, even on their wedding day, so why would he need help? it takes him a good minute to realize brian is just messing with him, but then he pouts and turns his attention to the stove, his back now facing brian.

“hey, baby,” brian softens at that, comes closer to give jae a back hug and kiss the sensitive spot on his neck. “didn’t mean to upset you.”

“’m not upset,” jae mutters back, but brian knows better. “just go get dressed, okay? we don’t want you to be late on your first day.”

“i won’t be late,” brian promises, but does as told and jae almost misses the feeling of brian’s warm hands on his waist.

when brian comes back to the kitchen, this time dressed in a black suit, breakfast is already served and jae is no longer pouting. he smiles softly, kisses jae’s forehead and then switches his attention to breakfast – otherwise he’s going to be late for real. jae doesn’t touch his plate yet, waiting to hear brian’s reaction first.

there isn’t enough salt for his liking, but brian still gives jae the best reaction in the world. he knows how much jae wanted it to be perfect, knows how worried and excited jae is for him, and, honestly, all he wants right now is to see his husband’s smile.

“thank you so much for this,” he says and takes a sip of coffee that tastes just right. “you didn’t have to get up this early.”

“nah, no way my face is not the last sight you see before going to work,” jae jokes and that makes brian chuckle – he has a point here. “but, seriously, i know i didn’t have to, i just wanted to, so… now i’m absolutely sure you’re going to do well today.”

“you keep making me blush like a teenager even two years after we got married,” brian shakes his head in disbelief, which only makes jae laugh louder.

“i’m glad to be the only one who has that key to you,” he replies, wiggling his eyebrows, and brian almost wishes he could just stay home for the whole day.

if every working day of his is going to start that way, he’s most certainly not going to do well at work. but jae’s right: he’s the only person in the world who knows how to make him this weak, knows this absolutely soft side of his that he isn’t so fond of showing.

“hey, come here, i want to kiss you,” brian says.

jae is happy to do so, and in a moment he’s already on brian’s lap, kissing him slow and deep. he knows they have a few more minutes to share just like that, so he doesn’t rush, takes his time.

 _“have a good day at work,”_ he whispers against brian’s lips when he notices it’s time to go.

the day has just started, but he’s already so proud of his husband. well, isn’t he always..?


	7. i dreamed about you last night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments are highly appreciated💙

“how was your day?” jae asks, watching how brian can’t stop yawning, it makes him want to yawn himself.

“wasn’t the best one, that’s for sure,” brian jokes in reply, but he looks tired; it’s easy to see even through the small screen of jae’s phone. “but it’s almost friday, so i should be alright.”

“aren’t you busy on fridays too?” jae wonders with a slight pout on his lips.

on friday evenings brian is always busy in his university’s theater and comes back home late, so they don’t get to talk because jae’s classes start early. if there is something jae hates more than being away from his boyfriend, it’s their time difference – when jae wakes up, it’s almost midnight in korea, where brian currently studies as an exchange student. jae’s evenings are also busy, so their only option is to talk before his classes begin, when brian is already about to go to bed.

“i can stay up late if you want me to,” brian tries with a smile, but jae just shakes his head.

“nah, we have plenty of time during the weekend, so it’s fine. i’m going to miss you tomorrow, that is all.”

“ah, jae, you’ve become so soft,” this time brian is clearly teasing him, but jae misses that too.

he doesn’t want to say it too often, unsure of brian’s reaction to this. when brian told him he was going to spend one year abroad, he was still ready to cancel it any moment if it bothered jae. he didn’t want jae to worry and miss him too much, knowing that he was the only person jae was really close to, so jae had to spend a few days trying to explain that he can handle one year of being apart, and that they would still annoy each other even if it’s only over the phone.

jae only let himself cry because of it once, when they were standing at the airport, and brian was about to get on the plane which would steal him from jae for almost a year – brian didn’t have that much money to come home on christmas. seven months have passed since that day, but jae still remembers it as if it was yesterday – that’s when he got the last chance to kiss brian, after all.

“what are your plans for the day?” his question brings jae back to reality.

“i dunno yet,” jae mutters, rubbing his eyes and trying to fight the desire to get back under the blanket. “first, i have to wake up.”

“you certainly do,” brian sighs and almost groans when he finally gets to bed. “i can’t wait to fly back home, i’m so tired of living in the future.”

the joke is stupid, but it still makes jae laugh a little, but then he hits his elbow on the edge of his bed and hisses in pain. well, at least it wakes him up better than any cup of coffee he was dreaming about just a few moments ago.

“you alright?” brian asks, voice laced with concern, and jae almost melts because of that.

“yeah, just a little clumsy in the mornings.”

“as always,” he adds, and jae wishes he could throw a pillow right at his smiling face.

and then kiss him deep, until they’re both breathless. he sighs and then finally gets up for real; he’s had enough of his bed’s attempts at killing him this morning. there’s still a lot to do, and brian looks sleepy, but he doesn’t want to hang up just yet, so he takes the phone to the small bathroom – brushing his teeth while talking to brian isn’t such a bad idea, right?

brian seems to think so too, clearly amused.

 _“i dreamed about you last night,”_ he says suddenly, almost making jae choke on water with this unexpected confession. “but i’m not telling you the details.”

“it’s not like i was asking,” jae snorts, but he can still feel his ears getting all red.

brian notices that too.

“but you are definitely thinking about it,” he muses with a smile on his face.

jae thinks of hanging up but then thinks to himself that he’s not going to see brian’s face tomorrow, so he just shrugs. after all, brian seems to be enjoying this, so why not let him do so?

“i’m sure it was a pretty interesting dream, but i’m actually glad you decided to keep it to yourself. see, i still have classes ahead, and i would very much love to focus on them instead of thinking how much i want to punch you right in your handsome face, mr. kang.”

“yes, yes, if you say so,” brian says with a grin; that bothers jae.

he frowns.

“why’d you be this happy all of a sudden?”

“i’ll text you those details,” he promises and then the call is over.

jae curses quietly and considers blocking brian’s number just for today, but then decides that it was just a meaningless threat and lets it be. two hours later he completely forgets about it and opens the chat with brian without even thinking about it.

his ears turn red again; he does block brian’s number.


	8. take my seat.

“why does this always happen to me,” brian starts complaining as soon as they find their seats. “i’ve waited for so long!”

today is indeed the day he’s been dreaming about for the past few years, and jae’s heart aches when he sees the slight pout on his boyfriend’s face. he wants everything to be perfect, man, he even saved up harder than brian to secretly buy more expensive tickets just for brian to enjoy this evening, but now he starts to question the possibility of that.

attending coldplay’s concert was always something that brian desired a lot, but different circumstances never let him see his favorite band live. the opportunity came when they both least expected it as they already had plans for this weekend since it’s their third anniversary, but jae canceled it all in no time as soon as brian told him about the announcement. he knew that this time brian couldn’t miss the show and was determined to do everything he could to make it happen.

he likes coldplay too, but he’s never been such a huge fan as brian is, so he wouldn’t mind having a seat with the shittiest view, content with just being able to hear the music live. his seat, however, has a clear view of the main stage, while all brian can see is someone’s head blocking the view. jae glances at the watch on his wrist: there’s still time before the show begins.

 _“take my seat,”_ he offers quietly.

jae doesn’t miss the way brian’s eyes light up at the suggestion, but then he bites his lip and becomes unsure. jae knows how much he wants to agree, but at the same time knows brian doesn’t like being selfish even when it comes to his favorite things, so it’ll probably take time to convince him that jae doesn’t mind switching seats – at all.

“come on, bri, i’m six feet anyway, it won’t be a problem for me,” he tries again, and this time brian nods.

the view from brian’s seat is exactly that shittiest view jae’s pictured for himself long before they saved up enough to afford those tickets, but he doesn’t complain. when the band come up on stage, there’s the brightest grin on brian’s face as he cheers excitedly and starts clapping. jae almost misses the first song, too busy admiring how beautiful brian looks when he’s this happy – all smiling and singing along. for some reasons, he imagines brian on that stage too; he’s sure he’d make a great performer if only he wanted to.

“look!” brian tugs on his sleeve and it takes jae all his willpower to actually start paying attention to what’s happening on stage.

soon, though, he finds himself looking at brian’s smiling face again; that is until brian turns to look at him and their eyes meet. jae feels his cheeks burning up from being caught staring, but he doesn’t look away, instead leans in to give brian a quick peck on the lips.

“silly,” brian tells him, but then his hand finds jae’s, fingers intertwining slowly.

he enjoys the concert as well, even gets to hear some of his favorite songs played live and sing along to them, but brian is really having the time of his life tonight and this is what makes jae happy and his heart warm. this is probably the best way to celebrate their anniversary, he thinks to himself, watching how brian dances in his seat, all ready to run to the stage and start jumping there. he chuckles at the sight, but also thinks he’s never seen anything cuter.

jae knows he made the right decision when he let brian take his seat. his happy smile is worth it all.


	9. i saved a piece for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the walking dead au where jamie is jae's younger sister  
> don't worry, you don't have to be familiar with the series, just knowing that it's about a zombie apocalypse is enough
> 
> next two chapters are also set in this universe :)

“a party?” brian asks in a confused voice, grateful that the darkness helps hide the puzzled expression on his face.

he’s just returned from a two weeks long run with sungjin and the first thing he hears when wonpil lets them in is that others are currently having a fucking party. in the middle of the apocalypse, when they’re all afraid to sleep in their own beds, not to mention trying to count how many days have passed since it all began.

he looks to his left where sungjin stands with such an expression that probably mirrors his own, both surprised and confused, and both not in a good way. brian doesn’t understand the point of celebrations anymore unless it’s not celebrating the fact that you’re not dead yet— but that should be celebrated every morning then.

wonpil offers them a shy smile; the sky isn’t so clear tonight so they can barely see his face in the moonlight. he wonders who thought that giving wonpil a late night watch on the gates was a good idea, but doesn’t dwell on this thought too much, instead rushing to help sungjin with the bags they managed to get full on their long run.

“we’ve only got hot water running three weeks ago,” he then says quietly. “isn’t it a bit early for partying?”

“brian,” sungjin’s hand comes to rest on his shoulder. “just drop it. they’re safe, that’s what matters.”

brian groans at that, now paying his full attention to sungjin, who just shrugs as if trying to say that a small party can’t hurt anyone. no one asked for his opinion, but he very much disagrees, because he knows that as soon as you start feeling safe and comfortable, it’s over for you. and this is the last thing he’d wish to his people in this world where waking up alive and not bit by a crazy walker is considered the biggest luck.

of course, they’re so lucky they have a whole village for themselves to enjoy, mostly untouched white and blue houses standing proudly in the streets, they have walls and good fighters, and now they even have hot water again, but it’s not enough. it’ll never be enough now.

“think about jae,” sungjin tries again. “he must have enjoyed this evening; he needed a distraction after all we’ve been through. just imagine how hard it was for him to wait for you to come back.”

“don’t even get me started on that,” brian says with a sigh, placing his backpack on the ground and fishing something out of the front pocket. “look at this.”

“chocolate?” sungjin raises an eyebrow at him. “how the hell-?”

“nearly died for it, but i bet it’s going to be worth it after all. jae loves this one. just don’t tell him how i got it, alright? i’d do anything for him, but the party… it’s too much.”

sungjin and wonpil share a look, they both know that there’s no way on earth to change brian’s mind once he’s set it on something, so they just give up. wonpil wants to help them with the supplies, saying that they’re probably too tired and it’d be more useful than keeping him on the gates, but brian knows it’s only because he wants to check what they brought before anyone else gets the chance to.

sungjin offers to take the next watch then, but he’s stopped by a familiar voice from the porch of the nearest house. brian drops the bag he’s been holding as soon as he hears it and runs so fast as if his life depended on it. it does, in a way.

jae’s smiling at him when he hugs him so tight that he almost picks jae up from the porch. that earns brian a playful smack on the shoulder, but then jae kisses him right there – slow and deep, and at this moment he finally feels heavy weight falling from his shoulders; he knows he’s home. jae gives him another quick kiss before brian hands him the chocolate bar.

he gasps, eyes wide in surprise, bright smile never leaving his lips.

“i missed you so, so much,” he whispers then, leaning closer again until their lips are almost brushing. “i heard you arguing about the party… i’m sorry. it was my idea.”

“it was… what?”

before brian gets the chance to actually get mad at him, jae steals a few more kisses from his lips and then looks away; even in the faint light from the inside brian can see the slight blush on his cheeks.

“i’m really sorry. today’s jamie’s birthday, and i had some chocolate left from your last run, so i decided we should celebrate it. we tried making a cake, it’s not the best cake in the world, but it’s not as bad as we thought it would be. everything was really quiet and safe, i swear, i checked everything myself, and i took a double watch just to make sure nothing would happen.”

“jae,” brian sighs, but he’s not as angry anymore. “you realize it was very stupid and dangerous, right?”

to his surprise, jae pouts at him, looking almost annoyed.

“are we not allowed to ever be happy again? not even for a few hours? i get it, bri, you want everyone to be safe, but this is a small part of our past lives that we can still have now. it’s what keeps us sane.”

arguing with jae has never been brian’s strong side and he knows he’s either going to lose because he’s too whipped for jae, or they’re going to have a serious fight because of it if he keeps proving his point. having a heated argument in the middle of the night is the last thing he wants right now, especially having just come from an exhausting run, so he just waves his hands and steps inside, leaving jae behind to look at him with concern.

“whatever,” brian says as he kicks off his shoes.

suddenly, jae comes to hug him from behind, a pair of soft lips pressed against the skin of his neck.

 _“i saved a piece for you,”_ jae whispers in his ear.

brian can’t hold back a tired smile; he really is home.


	10. i'm sorry for your loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ mentions of minor character death  
> sequel to chapter 9

when brian hears a loud scream followed by the sound of crying, he recognizes it right away. the sounds are all coming from the closest to the gates house, _their_ house. and the person who’s crying so desperately is jae, _his_ jae.

he knows jae’s just woke up from another nightmare; the same nightmare that comes to bother him every time he closes his eyes and manages to doze off at least for a few moments. he doesn’t actually sleep these days, not since the night it happened, and brian does his best to make sure that jae is safe, always stays by his side to be there for him when jae sees the events of that night again.

knowing that jae is crying, that he’s all alone in their house and that no one is there to help him breaks brian’s heart into pieces, sends hundreds of goosebumps down his spine, makes him bite on his lower lip so hard that is starts bleeding. he doesn’t notice it, though, fully focused on the sounds coming from their house, eyes still never leaving the road. he wants to run there, wants to hold jae close and wipe all his salty tears away, but he knows he can’t, not until someone comes to take their watch. he can’t leave the gates, not after what happened last week, no. he will never let anyone repeat the same mistake they made that night, or else he’ll never forgive himself.

it’s not like he ever will anyway.

brian keeps chewing on his lip in hopes that physical pain can distract from thinking about jae, but it doesn’t work, it never works. he wonders what time it is now and when his watch will finally come to an end but can’t quite tell because the light is still on in most of the houses. it should be around midnight, he thinks, but he can’t remember when exactly he came up here; it feels like forever.

a few moments pass in silence before he hears sungjin’s light steps somewhere behind the tower. he doesn’t need to look back to guess that it’s him, and sungjin quickly climbs up with a riffle on his shoulder. something tells brian that it’s actually not the time for his watch yet, but he doesn’t argue when sungjin nods to where their house is, silently telling him to go there.

sungjin doesn’t talk much, he never did, at least since the very first time brian met him two months through the apocalypse, and brian was thankful for it on way more than one occasion. he doesn’t say anything back, doesn’t need to: sungjin already knows what he wants to say and only gives him an understanding smile.

brian doesn’t waste any more time: he runs to their house, not even looking around, and almost trips over jae’s legs, who’s sitting on the porch with a cigarette held tightly between his fingers. he’s not smoking yet, and he never did, not before it happened, so brian gently takes the cigarette from him and pulls him in for a hug. for a while, jae remains silent, and brian knows words can’t help, so he stays quiet too, instead rubbing circles on jae’s back and pressing feather-like kisses on his forehead every now and then.

jae doesn’t seem to notice that, too lost in his own thoughts, but brian doesn’t push, he can’t even imagine what jae must be going through right now. he didn’t have anyone to lose, not until he bumped into sungjin’s group, not until he met jae on the road, but for jae it has always been different. jae always had someone to care about, someone to protect even before the world went to hell. losing someone this close, even in today’s reality, is a real nightmare, brian knows that much. he hates himself for not being fast enough even though he knows there was no way to change anything, that it was simply impossible to save jamie’s life.

he also hates himself for not being able to offer anything but his shoulder to cry on. it pains him to see how pale jae is, how dark the circles under his eyes are, and how weak and vulnerable he looks right now. he wishes he could do something to change it, to turn back time and make things right before it was too late, but there’s no way to heal a wound like that. the pain will become less sharp with time, but nothing, not even time can mend one’s broken heart.

jae snuggles closer, hiding his face in the crook of brian’s neck, and he can feel hot tears falling onto his skin, burning it, serving as a reminder that he couldn’t save jae’s sister, only noticed the gates were open and empty when it was too late.

if hell existed on earth, for brian it would be that night on loop – the blood, her body on the ground being torn apart by _three_ walkers, and jae’s loud scream when he noticed the girl on the ground was his sister.

brian thinks that maybe it would be better if he was the one eaten alive instead of her. jae hiccups quietly.

 _“i’m sorry for your loss,”_ brian whispers, that being the only thing he kept saying to jae since that night.

he knows words are meaningless and he hates that too.


	11. you can have half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set in the same au as chapter 9 and 10
> 
> please share your thoughts in the comments! ^^

this could easily be the world’s last pack of soft chocolate cookies.

they’re most likely not even soft anymore, but brian doesn’t give a damn: his eyes light up with hope and excitement as soon as he spots the pack on the floor next to a dead walker’s body. he killed that one himself, so he doesn’t have to check before bending down and shoving those cookies into his backpack.

he doesn’t hear sungjin’s voice, so he nearly jumps in surprise when his friend suddenly comes from behind, holding a few cans and bottles of soda that has probably expired more than a year ago. not that it matters anymore, so they quickly pack their bags, stuffing them with everything they can find in the mostly untouched shop, both surprised to find such a wonderful place, almost clear too.

“going home now?” sungjin asks when they load everything into the truck and take their seats, sungjin driving this time.

the word “home” sounds so odd, almost eerie in this world, but brian wouldn’t argue that the small house behind those walls has become his new home now. or, well, to be completely honest, it’s not about the house, but the person he shares it with. jae has truly become his home, the only source of light and happiness in the world of sorrow and suffering, the world of blood and deaths.

“i got a pack of chocolate cookies,” brian admits later in the night when they clear a small house and decide to continue driving in the morning. “in that shop.”

he knows he should’ve kept it secret, but something inside doesn’t let him lie to someone who’d trust him with his own life. he would, too, which is why he’s telling sungjin about the cookies this late at night instead of going to take the first watch.

“for jae?” is all his friend asks.

brian nods and it makes sungjin smile before he settles on the floor, knife in his right hand, all ready for an unexpected attack.

“you’re one of the few good things left in this world, so i won’t tell anyone about it,” he promises and this time brian smiles too.

nothing much happens during the night, so when sungjin comes to wake him up with the sunrise, they don’t have much to discuss. the drive is silent, too, but brian wouldn’t have it any other way: with sungjin silence is always comfortable, friendly, and they both seem to enjoy it.

jae’s the one on the gates when they finally reach their destination. he lets them in and flashes brian a smile before he becomes serious again; that makes brian chuckle at how adorable it looks from the side. together with sungjin they unload all the bags except for brian’s backpack, which he takes himself and quickly hides in the house, and then sungjin is off to annoy wonpil who certainly missed him and his nagging, while brian sits in the kitchen and patiently waits for jae’s watch to be over.

he could, of course, come to the tower, but distracting jae isn’t exactly something he wants to do, at least not now, so he just waits, going through the things he managed to get for them this time. fifteen minutes later the door opens and jae runs to his embrace, leaving light kisses everywhere he can reach until their lips meet in a slow kiss, which speaks better than words.

“everything alright here?” brian asks and sighs in relief when jae nods. “look what i got.”

“no way!” jae yells excitedly and it’s so loud brian has to shush him. “chocolate cookies?”

“sungjin said he won’t tell anyone,” brian says with a wink and jae pulls him in for another kiss, looking so happy he almost glows.

“i thought i’d never see those again,” he then admits quietly.

“they’re yours to enjoy now,” brian promises and he knows jae will do just that.

 _“you can have half,”_ jae whispers and brian’s heart aches at that.

he knows he won’t even touch the cookies, no matter how much he would actually like to at least try them, but the offer itself almost makes him melt like butter in the sun. jae’s bright smile is totally worth risking his life every time they’re on a run just to try and find something he likes.


	12. take my jacket, it’s cold outside.

jae knew it was bound to happen. it was building up for days now and there was just one way for it to end, but when his predictions become true on one particularly cold rainy evening, he isn’t ready.

he didn’t have work today so he spent the whole day at home, not wanting to leave their warm bed, but he was quick to run to the door and give brian a kiss on the cheek when he finally came home after a long day. it wasn’t hard to see that brian was exhausted and completely stressed out, that he almost reached the edge and was about to explode, so jae tried to be quiet and let him have his own space.

he would often join brian in the shower, sometimes helping him wash away the tiredness, sometimes just enjoying the warmth of his body and the smell of their shared vanilla body wash or coming there for other reasons, leaving with rosy cheeks and a tired smile afterwards. this evening he decided to stay in the kitchen, make something quick for dinner and hope that the storm in brian’s heart will go away unnoticed by both of them.

it all went to hell when he accidentally dropped brian’s favorite cup and spilled hot and sweet tea all over the floor. he knew that on every other day brian would give him a kiss on the forehead and say that it’s okay, but not today. jae knows there is no excuse for yelling, but he also knows brian doesn’t mean it, that he’s not being himself right now. this week has been really rough on him, worse than any other working week, and he’s just lost his grandmother, so him needing to let it all out and blow off the steam wasn’t that surprising.

jae knows better than to pay attention to the words brian says, he just quickly cleans up and tries to avoid saying anything back, because the last thing he needs this evening is them actually fighting. he lets brian yell, secretly happy that brian doesn’t really say anything about him; brian only says how much he hates his clumsiness and that’s it, the rest of his long heated monologue is mostly related to work and everyone around him, and just the world being unfair.

brian’s voice gets more and more quiet with each word he spits out, signaling that he’s almost done and will soon come to regret everything he’s said and done this evening. the moment jae sees it’s safe to leave him alone in the kitchen he grabs the keys and sits on the floor to lace his boots. he is sure brian won’t follow him into the darkness, it’s their unspoken but deeply respected rule: after every fight, be it real fight or something like this, jae needs to be alone, needs his own “me” time so that they don’t end up having an even worse fight later.

he forgets about the fact that it’s currently raining outside and is about to step out of their apartment without a jacket or umbrella when brian’s voice stops him. he’s still in the kitchen, and jae thinks he doesn’t want his face to be seen right now, already regretting that he lost control today of all days, that he still can’t learn how to leave his anger behind the closed door of his office. his voice is soft and it makes the corners of jae’s lips go up slightly.

 _“take my jacket, it’s cold outside,”_ is all brian says, but it is enough to remind jae once again why he loves brian so much.

because even when his own room is dark, brian still does what he can to keep all the light in jae’s one.

and this is most definitely not about actual rooms.


	13. sorry i'm late.

today was an important day for both of them. brian knows jae’s been waiting for him this whole evening, nervously glancing at the clock every thirty minutes. he feels awfully guilty when he finally steps into their shared apartment some time past midnight. it’s dark and quiet, but he can still smell scented candles in the air, the smell coming somewhere from the kitchen.

brian knows jae is not there, but doesn’t expect to find him in the living room too, yet there he is: curled into a ball under a thin blanket on their small worn out sofa. brian can’t hold back a tired yet wide smile spreading across his face; jae looks so tiny despite being six feet tall, and the sight of him mumbling something in his sleep makes brian want to always, always protect him from every bad thing in the world.

he quickly gets changed into more comfortable clothes, then goes to the kitchen to make sure the candles are no longer lit up and it’s just the smell, brushes his teeth and comes back to the living room. today was exhausting and the urgent surgery late in the evening didn’t help at all; brian knows he only has three to four hours before having to get up again, but he doesn’t rush. he spends a few minutes admiring jae’s beauty, listening to his breathing – that alone is already enough to make him feel less tired.

brian is beyond grateful that jae understands the importance of his job yet also knows just how much brian loves him. it’s never been easy, first dating, then living with a surgeon who spends way more time at work than at home, but they somehow learned how to save that fragile something between them and only make it grow stronger with time.

they’re not married yet – mostly because brian doesn’t even have time to go buy the rings and finally propose, let alone having an actual wedding, but they’ve discussed their future plans more than once and brian has always been the happiest man on earth when jae assured him that he was definitely a part of those plans. jae doesn’t mind that he sometimes (often) comes home so late, but brian always feels guilty, today even more than usually.

it’s their anniversary and jae really, _really_ wanted to celebrate it together, at least in the evening. he wasn’t asking for much and brian really tried to make it home as early as possible, but it was his duty to choose giving someone another chance to live when it came to such things. he hated choosing between his job and jae, but they all knew what the right choice was.

brian kneels down by the couch and gently takes jae’s hand in his, placing a silver bracelet on his wrist before leaving a soft kiss on jae’s milky skin. he then picks jae up from the couch, careful not to wake him up, and goes to their small bedroom.

jae does wake up once his head touches his favorite pillow, and he blinks a few times to adjust to the darkness of the room and focus on brian’s face. he notices the bracelet and lifts his hand up to his face to take a better look at it. he smiles sleepily as he settles back among the pillows, patting the space beside him as if telling brian to sleep too.

brian doesn’t need to be asked twice and in a moment he’s in bed too, his chest pressed against jae’s warm back. jae giggles when he leaves a few feather-like kisses on his neck, but doesn’t seem to mind. he lets brian kiss his skin for as long as he wants to, then turns around to give him a proper kiss on the lips, and at that moment nothing else matters in the world around them.

 _“sorry i’m late,”_ brian whispers against jae’s lips.

“you’re never late,” jae shakes his head slightly, then kisses him again.

jae falls asleep shortly after, but brian stays up for another half an hour, unable to look away from his face, trying to figure out what he meant by that. when he does, the corners of his lips go up, forming a grin.


	14. can i have this dance?

it’s been raining non-stop for the past five days; heavy, cold droplets falling on the rooftop with a loud sound. the sky is covered by the dark clouds, the air is chilly and it feels like it’s been an eternity since they last saw an actual sunlight, that would warm up their lives.

wearing two warm sweaters, jae sits on the front porch of their small house, fully focused on the thick book in his hands. reading outside has always been his favorite thing to do, and nothing can stop him, not even the rain. jae ignores the raindrops that occasionally hit him in the face because of the wind and tries to pretend that there’s no rain whatsoever. it’s a little difficult to do, because the aftermath of such weather can be seen everywhere, but jae has his mind set on this, so it almost works – almost.

“you’re going to freeze to death here.”

brian’s soft voice coming from behind makes jae jump and he nearly drops the book on the wet floor. he turns around to see brian standing in the doorway with two cups of what he guesses is hot tea. jae wants to be angry because brian scared him and almost made him ruin the book, but can’t bring himself to even pout when brian smiles at him.

“it’s okay,” jae says, taking the cup from brian, their hands touching for a brief moment. “thank you.”

“well, i won’t insist, i just want you to be careful,” brian replies with another smile, so bright that it’s enough to replace the sun.

this thought makes jae blush a little, but it suddenly feels a lot warmer outside, now that brian is by his side. if you ask him, brian is a sunshine, so bright and carefree, that it’s almost impossible to imagine him enjoying the rain as much as jae does. truth to be told, even with all the love he has for rain, it’s already become a little bit too much; he could definitely do with a few days of warmth now.

“why’d you come here?” jae asks quietly as he tucks the book under the blanket he brought for himself. “i thought you were busy planning terry’s wedding, since you’re his best man.”

“i was,” brian confirms with a hum. “but then an idea crossed my mind, and i decided to try it out right now. but first, i wanted to give you something warm to drink.”

“how thoughtful,” jae teases, but brian knows the blush on his cheeks is not from the cold. “so, what’s your idea?”

“here, hold it for a moment…”

brian gives jae his own cup of tea, barely even touched at this point, and reaches for his phone. he stays silent for about a minute, but then seems to finally find what he’s been looking for and soon the sound of a slow song that jae doesn’t recognize fills the air. jae looks at brian, confused.

 _“can i have this dance?”_ brian asks politely, and offers his hand.

“bri, you’re crazy,” jae finds it difficult to believe when brian leads them away from the safety of their porch. “it’s pouring rain!”

“and you love rain,” brian tells him as if it’s the most obvious thing that jae would also love dancing in the rain. “come on, just relax and let me lead.”

“so, i assume that this is your way of asking me to dance with you at the wedding?”

brian doesn’t have to reply, because his smile says it all, and jae can’t help but smile back at him. the rain gets worse, the sound of it too loud for them to hear the song, but jae doesn’t mind. they’re all wet by the time brian decides it’s time to get back home, both giggling happily and still holding hands. jae feels like he’s just returned to his teenage years once again; he couldn’t even imagine that he would enjoy dancing in the rain this much.

or maybe it’s just because it was brian he danced with?

“that reminded me what it’s like to feel free,” jae says quietly once they’ve changed into clean and dry clothes. “thank you.”

“i felt that you needed that.”


	15. i made your favorite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw (?) memory loss
> 
> this one's a little bit longer than others but!! i love this au so much, so there will be more drabbles on this in this challenge. gosh, some are already written haha  
> i've been thinking about how much i want to write a full story about this one, but i'm not sure about it, so i wanted to ask if anyone would like to see a full fic one day😗 no promises though, just asking for science...

before that, brian could easily call himself the happiest man on earth.

hell, he _was_ the happiest man in the whole galaxy back then, but now those memories are more like pieces of a peaceful life stolen from someone else; brian feels like they don’t belong to him anymore.

but he remembers it all – the way jae would hug him early in the morning, how he would kiss him after a tiring day at work, or cook something new for both of them to enjoy, how jae would purr like a cat in his embrace and how he would pout whenever he needed something from brian. he remembers it all, but the problem is: jae doesn’t remember _anything_.

when they got into a car crash on a slippery road, brian was lucky enough to only suffer from a few broken ribs and bruises everywhere, but jae hit his head badly and no one was even sure if he would wake up after such trauma. he did wake up after two weeks in a coma, but the aftermath of it put a huge black cross on everything they’ve done together. jae’s last memory was from five years ago, when his mother was still alive, and he hasn’t even _met_ brian yet.

jae didn’t remember his face, name or voice, he didn’t remember the warmth of his body and the way his nose would scrunch from smiling too wide, jae didn’t remember their house or their dog, didn’t remember their wedding day and the ring on his finger. the last thing jae remembered was his mother’s smile, and that was it.

it took a long while for him to recover from the physical trauma, but he never truly got his memory back – just random bits and pieces, and none of them were about brian. it’s like someone flicked the switch in his mind, turned off the light, and, if anything, jae felt _guilty_ for not being able to remember things he was so desperate to _actually_ remember, not just hear from someone else or have shown to him in pictures.

back in the hospital, when the doctors let brian see him for the first time after the crash, jae looked at him with curiosity, and for one crazy second he hoped that jae would recognize him, but jae didn’t, he just couldn’t. brian cried in the most uncomfortable hospital chair by his bed, and all jae could do was look at him in confusion – that is until he noticed the ring on brian’s finger, the same ring he had, and the puzzle in his mind shifted a little.

two months later, after countless conversations about their life together, jae made the decision to not get divorced, but instead try to remember, since life was kindly offering him another chance to do so. from that moment on, brian had the most important mission in his life, the main point of which was to not scare jae, but make him fall in love for the second time.

now, ten months after the crash, jae slowly starts remembering some things from the past, but every time he shares his new memories with brian, to see if he remembers it correctly, he has this guilty smile on his face, because all he can actually remember about brian is that they lived together. brian, however, knows it’s already big enough to be proud of, but instead of trying to make jae remember the old things, he creates new ones. day by day, jae slowly opens more and more to him, sometimes stopping in the middle of the room to ask if they’ve already done this before, and how exactly they’ve done it.

brian turns off the oven and takes off the apron he’s been wearing for the past two hours. today’s just an ordinary sunday with no changes to better or worse; through the open kitchen window he can hear jae playing with their dog somewhere outside. strangely enough, jae was quick to remember the dog, but still couldn’t remember how exactly he got it – because they adopted it together, and brian was still a stranger to jae’s past memories.

they’ve been married for two years, but the only fitting word for them now could be friends, except that brian still loves jae as much as he did five years ago. he doesn’t complain, though, instead thanking the world for giving him another chance and not taking jae away from him. sometimes he wonders what it would be like if jae suddenly remembered it all, but then shakes his head and reminds himself that it’s close to impossible, that he has to be grateful for what they have now and stop thinking about the past. it’s difficult and it hurts like hell – to pretend he doesn’t want to kiss jae every moment, to keep the distance unless jae asks him to stay close, to remember it all when jae doesn’t.

he finds jae in the garden, now silent, with his face serious: he must be thinking about something and doesn’t notice that brian sits beside him with a plate in his hands.

“hey,” brian calls softly. “what’s on your mind?”

“i’m trying to remember something,” jae replies with a stubborn look. “what’s this?”

jae’s always trying to remember something and, to be fair, he doesn’t like to be interrupted, so brian is about to leave the plate on the ground and get back to the house, but jae grabs a hold of his wrist and quietly asks for help.

“what’s this?” he repeats again.

 _“i made your favorite,”_ brian replies with an awkward smile, because he knows jae won’t remember and doesn’t want to see his sad face again. “it’s apple pie.”

“but i never liked apples,” jae mumbles, looking away.

“that’s right,” brian has to agree, because jae told him about it when he first tried brian’s pie. “until you met me and tried my apple pie. here, try this.”

at first, jae just looks at him silently, and brian is afraid that he made the wrong move, but then jae slowly opens his mouth and lets brian feed him. he chews quietly, and brian suddenly finds himself holding his breath: he hasn’t made apple pie for eleven months, so this is the first time jae tries it in his “new” life.

“you made it for my birthday,” jae says suddenly and looks surprised at himself. “true or false?”

it’s jae who offered this little game: every time he thinks he remembers something new, he immediately finds brian and asks if it’s a real memory. this time, brian isn’t even trying to hide a wide grin spreading across his face as he looks at jae.

“true.”


	16. it's okay. i couldn't sleep anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set in the same au as chapter 9, 10, 11 - the walking dead au

the night is quiet, dark and incredibly boring.

not that brian is complaining, because the word “boring” has long lost its previous meaning from when the world was fine. for him, at least. he’s grateful that everything is quiet, no sound of movement or any other sound made by walkers, and yet sitting alone in the wooden tower is killing him.

he isn’t sure how many hours are left until someone else comes to take the watch, but he knows that it’s certainly not jae who has the next watch. so, to say that he is surprised when he hears light footsteps on the ground and then jae’s soft voice is to say nothing. he turns around with his riffle in hands just a second late to stop jae from climbing up to the tower.

jae flashes a smile at him and comes to sit next to him on the floor. he doesn’t have a gun on him, but brian notices a sharp knife next to his belt: jae is always ready for the fight.

“i thought you’d be happier to see me,” jae teases as he lightly nudges brian’s shoulder. “why are you this grumpy?”

“just tired,” brian lies through his teeth but he knows jae doesn’t buy it.

“we all are,” he still says quietly. “i can’t remember when was the last time i wasn’t tired.”

brian stops trying to spot something in the darkness for a moment and takes a look at jae’s face instead. even in the faint moonlight he can notice the bags under his eyes and the unnatural pale shade on his face. this jae has nothing in common with the jae he met on the road some time after the apocalypse began, but to brian he’s still the most beautiful person left on earth – and this is what matters, that they’re still alive, both of them.

“i wish you stopped coming here at night,” jae sighs as he starts biting his lips. “but i know you’re doing it for all of us, because there aren’t many people we can trust now…”

jae looks away at that, but brian knows what he’s talking about: he lost his sister because of someone else’s mistake. jae hasn’t been the same since then, but the fear boiling inside of brian’s chest kept him here in the tower instead of being at home with him. he can’t let anyone make this stupid mistake again, can’t lose anyone else, can’t even think of losing jae.

“i have to be here,” is all brian says, and jae understands. “and you should be in bed right now, not up here with me.”

 _“it’s okay, i couldn’t sleep anyway,”_ jae replies with a sad smile.

“nothing bad is going to happen to me,” brian promises, tries to keep a straight face to get jae to believe this. “and i will make sure that nothing bad happens to you too, even if this is the last thing i get to do in this life.”

“don’t say that,” jae cuts him off almost immediately. “we’ll get through this together.”

“yeah,” brian murmurs, but his hold on the riffle tightens. “we will.”

the rest of brian’s watch is silent, but he can’t deny that the night feels so much warmer with jae by his side. jae falls asleep about an hour later, resting his head on brian’s shoulder, and brian can’t help but smile at the sight before he focuses on guarding their home again.

the night is quiet, dark and incredibly boring, but brian can almost hear his heart beating against his ribcage now and thanks the stars for another silent, safe night.


	17. watch your step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ memory loss
> 
> here's another one set in this au. enjoy. 
> 
> ps. the place they're visiting is Englischer Garten in München, but since i'm doing it all in lowercase (for which i'm very sorry, i just recently found out people hate that), my german-learning soul didn't let me spell the name this way, lol. anyways, i really miss Englischer Garten, it's such a beautiful place worth spending hours there.

“do you trust me?”

brian asks as he takes the blindfold out of his pocket and shows it to jae. jae looks at it carefully, stays hesitant for a few moments, but then gives a short nod and lets brian put it on his eyes. once the world goes black, he instinctively reaches to find brian’s hand and gets surprised by how calming the touch is.

“alright, let’s do it,” jae mumbles in a quiet, hopeful voice. “lead the way.”

they’re currently standing by the entrance of a huge park in the heart of munich, and brian can feel his own heart beat like crazy when he takes the first step. this is the last stop of their short european trip, the last and the most important one. they decided to give it a try because of jae’s doctor’s advice, who said visiting memorable places from the past may come helpful and bring some of jae’s memories back.

to be fair, brian didn’t want to hope too much, because he knew jae’s memory was never going to be the same as it was before the car crash, and yet he spent almost two weeks trying to remember their trip in as many details as possible, to be able to recreate it in hopes to help jae. he did everything he could, even picked the same hotels and, if possible, same rooms.

on their last day, here, in germany, they both agreed that this trip was a huge success, a big achievement because somehow, jae managed to remember the way brian sang for him while exploring amsterdam, and them kissing in the empty park of prague. this is the first time jae actually remembers them sharing a kiss, and brian knows they won’t get further than that, but he still hopes, almost prays that jae can remember at least something from the day he’s currently trying to recreate.

 _“watch your step,”_ he warns jae as they make their way through the park. “i mean… be careful.”

“this feels familiar,” jae says as he points at the blindfold with his free hand.

brian’s heart warms at that, but he chooses not to comment because he isn’t sure if jae truly feels it or makes his brain believe it because he knows that brian is trying to show him how it was three years ago. instead of saying anything, he keeps counting the steps, and fifteen minutes later they stop by a huge tree that looks a little lonely standing there all by itself.

here, by this tree, he proposed to jae three years ago. when they just met, jae talked a lot about his dreams, and one of them was to visit this place one day, along with other places they visited all around europe. for jae, it was some sort of a bucket list, something he wanted to do in the future, but wasn’t too serious about back then, but brian took it as an opportunity to give jae a gift – along with his heart.

of course, jae doesn’t remember that day, and brian doesn’t even expect him to, although he really wanted to believe this moment was bright enough to last a lifetime, but jae does remember his so-called bucket list because he came up with it way before he met brian. this park was everything he talked about during their first visit and now, too.

jae seemed really curious about brian’s intentions this time and never stopped asking what memory brian was trying to recreate with this walk to his favorite place (although he doesn’t remember visiting it), and if you ask brian, those were probably the most painful hours of this whole trip. what could he say?

a smile on jae’s face would be brian’s biggest reward, but when he takes off the blindfold, jae remains serious as his eyes study brian’s face. he then looks around, and brian recognizes that look, but doesn’t let himself get too hopeful – it can mean anything, not necessarily that jae recognizes this place and _that_ moment.

jae doesn’t say anything for the next few minutes, and, even though he still has the same look on his face, brian decides it’s time to give up. he’s just about to open his mouth and tell jae about the proposal, silently laughing at himself for being so stupid. it hurts like hell, because he remembers everything down to minutes, seconds; he remembers the way jae gasped when he took off the blindfold, how he smiled despite tears shining in his eyes, how tight he hugged brian, how they kissed under that big beautiful tree…

stupid, so stupid.

“here, you asked me to marry you. true or false?” jae whispers behind his back and brian turns around so fast his neck starts to hurt.

there are tears in jae’s eyes, but the smile on his face is brighter than the sun when brian nods, not trusting his voice anymore. he can feel hot tears on his cheeks too, but none of it matters when jae takes his hand and pulls him in for a hug.

“thank you,” jae says quietly. “for walking on the same path with me for the second time.”

“wherever you are, i’ll always be with you, as many times as it takes to have you back in my arms because you want to, not because of the promise you made and was forced to forget.”

“one day,” jae’s voice goes down to a whisper again. “i will remember.”

“you will,” brian agrees simply, because this is something he wants to believe now.

one day.


	18. here, drink this. you'll feel better.

if there is anything brian truly hates in this world, it’s being sick.

he doesn’t even know how on earth he managed to catch a cold in the middle of their european tour, when there are still concerts to play, places to visit, new food to try and people to meet. when sungjin mentions it to their manager, brian feels ready to kill their leader, because dealing with their manager when he’s angry is almost as bad as dealing with jae when he’s worried about him, and now, thanks to sungjin, he has both.

“but the concert in poland went well!” he insists, but doesn’t get to finish the sentence because of a new wave of cough.

“you’re not going outside today,” the manager says in a firm voice. “and that’s my final word.”

“wouldn’t be so sure about it,” brian mutters with a mischievous grin when the man leaves his room.

he still has a cover to film and nothing, nothing is going to stop him from going outside to do it. moscow indeed makes him want to sing “what a wonderful world” as soon as they leave the hotel and head to the red square. this city looks absolutely breathtaking in winter with all the bright warm lights everywhere, and reminds brian of a fairy tale, the most beautiful one.

but the wind is strong and it’s a little cold even for his liking, even though there’s no snow this year, unlike their previous visit here. it’s cold and filming the cover takes longer than they expected because the heart of moscow isn’t meant for performing, so they have to find another place, and by the time they return to the hotel, brian’s ears are redder than fresh tomatoes and his cough gets worse.

but this isn’t the worst part of it, because when he steps inside his room, he finds jae sat on his bed with his arms crossed, with the most pissed expression brian’s seen in a while.

“so, care to explain where have you been?” jae begins in that low voice that means he’s angry.

“it’s not like you didn’t know,” brian replies carefully, taking off his clothes and quickly changing into something warmer. “just imagine this picture: i start uploading covers from every european stop, but somehow, accidentally miss moscow. don’t you think they’ll be extremely upset?”

“you could film it here, in the hotel room,” but jae’s not having it. “if you thought for a moment, just for a second that we have a show to play tomorrow evening. how are you going to play bass and sing with a runny nose, coughing every five minutes?”

“come on,” brian falls on the bed with a guilty smile. “their energy will be enough for me to feel better, and you know that. by the way, where’s our leader? i was lowkey expecting to see him, didn’t know you’d be mad at me instead.”

“he doesn’t know yet,” jae says in a tone that promises that this is the first thing sungjin’s going to hear about once he comes back. “sungjin, wonpil, the manager and some other people from the staff went to a restaurant.”

“let me guess, they’re collectively craving korean food?”

he meant it as a joke, but doesn’t really get surprised when jae nods, confirming what he’s just said. well, there’s nothing new about it, because that’s something they did in half of the places they’ve been to. brian finds it a little funny, because he’d rather use this opportunity to try as much of the local food as possible, but you can’t really argue with sungjin when he’s hungry.

“at least the manager is with them,” brian tries with a smile, but jae only rolls his eyes at that. “hey, i’m okay, it’s just the cough that bothers me. i won’t let you guys down.”

“it’s not about us, you idiot,” jae hisses as he gets up from the bed and goes to turn on the electric kettle. “you have to think about yourself first.”

“i’m just a little curious, how many times _you_ thought about yourself first?”

“oh shut up.”

brian knows he convinced jae to at least stop the nagging, because he’s going to get his share of that later anyway. if anything, he just wants to crawl under the blankets and have jae curled up by his side, but sighs when he starts coughing again and realizes it’s impossible – he can’t pass the cold to jae too.

 _“here, drink this,”_ jae says, quiet this time, and hands him a mug of hot tea. _“you’ll feel better.”_

brian grins as he takes the mug and pats the space beside him, but jae chooses not to stay.

“i’ll think of something to distract them, but you better be sleeping by the time they come back,” he warns and then closes the door behind him, leaving brian in comfortable silence.


	19. can i hold your hand?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw/ memory loss

jae thinks that it’s strange, strange how he finds so much comfort in a man he doesn’t even recognize. somehow, brian’s presence in the room calms him down, and his touch seems to ease the pain, make it disappear better than any medicine the doctors are giving him.

but then, as he takes in the sight of said man who’s currently asleep in the most uncomfortable position, jae quickly corrects himself: it isn’t strange because brian is his husband. he doesn’t remember that, no matter how much he tries, but he knows he wouldn’t marry someone if he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he could trust this person with his whole life. he looks at the ring on this finger, then studies the same ring on brian’s hand, and almost envies himself from the past.

he must’ve had a wonderful, happy life until that car crash, but now it’s all gone, lost in the maze of memories that were stolen from him.

brian mumbles something in his sleep, and jae wonders if he should wake him up before his body gets all sore from sitting in such an awful pose. before he gets the chance to do so, he feels sharp pain in his head and barely manages to hold himself from screaming. a quiet whine that escapes his lips is, however, enough to wake brian up.

“are you okay?” is the first thing he asks in a really low, raspy voice. “maybe i should call the doctor?”

jae’s heart aches at how worried he sounds; he hasn’t even properly woken up yet, struggles to open his eyes, but the first thing he thinks about is if everything is alright with _him_. brian loves him, it’s clear as day, and yet jae doesn’t even recognize him, let alone remember anything about the life they had together.

the doctor said his memory is never going to be the same again, but expressed hope that he can have at least some of his memories back with time. he should probably feel sad because he’s just lost five years of his life that are never coming back, but all he can think about is how painful it must be for brian. what is it like to wake up and realize that your lover doesn’t remember you, that the life you had is now gone as if it didn’t even exist?

“it’s fine,” he tries to assure brian, but quickly understands that he can’t fool this man. “just a headache.”

“i’m so sorry,” brian says for what must be the millionth time today. “is there anything i can do for you?”

 _“can i hold your hand?”_ jae asks, shocked at his own question. “i know it sounds ridiculous, but when you touch me like this, i feel safe and… better.”

for a second, he is afraid that brian is going to think that he’s an idiot, but then reminds himself that it’s his husband he’s thinking about. that is also when he realizes that it’s probably a mistake, because he’s giving brian false hopes, as if he remembers anything. he tries to explain it quickly, but brian doesn’t even question anything as he takes jae’s hand in his.

the pain only lasts a few more minutes, becoming less and less sharp with each passing moment, and, honestly, jae can’t explain it – for some reasons, his body seems to remember more than his own brain does.

“thank you,” jae whispers. “it’s better now.”

he expects brian to let go of his hand, but it doesn’t happen: brian nods with a smile that disappears as quickly as it finds its way to his pale, tired face, and gives his hand a gentle squeeze.

of course, jae doesn’t know that he used to always ask to hold brian’s hand – he said it was the warmth of brian’s palm that calmed him down. there’s a sad smile on brian’s face when he thinks about it, but jae doesn’t notice that, too busy studying their wedding rings.

“i don’t want to get divorced,” jae says suddenly, almost making brian fall from the chair. “i hope i will remember you, but even if i don’t… i know i loved you, and i trust you to make me fall for you again. but only if that’s what you want too.”

“there’s nothing i would want more in this whole world.”


	20. you can borrow mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i felt it was the right day to post this after crying over denimalz all together :(   
> it's the last thing i have for now, and i'm not sure when i will update next because i'm taking a break from writing, but please take care of yourself and don't forget starryJ exists <3

“my pillow!” brian exclaims loudly when they arrive at the airport. “i forgot my pillow!”

“and who’s to blame for that?” wonpil asks in a teasing tone, but quickly shuts up under jae’s angry gaze.

“his neck hurts again, so he needs that pillow,” jae tells him quietly once brian turns around to bug their manager instead, as if this man was capable of teleportation or something. “but he indeed is stupid for leaving it on sungjin’s bed.”

“how’d you know?” wonpil sounds so surprised that jae almost starts laughing at that.

“sungjin told me in the car, but it was too late to do anything, so we hoped that brian wouldn’t notice that until we’re in the air.”

because of that, they’re forced to stop in the corner of the huge airport hall, with sungjin glancing at the clock every five seconds and their manager trying to find out if there’s any place to buy brian a new pillow before they get on the plane. neither jae nor sungjin tell him that they’ve already checked it while they were in the car.

normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, but brian fell asleep with his head on the table for three days in a row and letting him sleep like this on the plane would most certainly mean that he won’t be able to play the show tomorrow.

jae looks at his bandmates in hopes to see anything in their eyes, but they all look lost and a little confused, because no one thought about bringing their pillows for this flight, not even dowoon who really loves traveling with comfort. brian’s cheeks turn red because of how desperate he feels, their manager is still busy trying to figure something out, and suddenly, jae realizes that this is the only choice he has.

 _“you can borrow mine,”_ he suggests quietly and looks away almost immediately.

“you have a pillow?” dowoon asks, and jae can’t quite understand why he’s this happy to hear that – it’s not like brian was going to kill them if he didn’t.

“your favorite pillow?”

“but you never let anyone use it,” brian points out as his ears get red from embarrassment. “it’s yours.”

“i think i can make an exception just for you,” jae shrugs.

he doesn’t care about brian’s opinion about this and already opens his backpack to give him the pillow, his lovely green traveling pillow that he loves sleeping on so, so much. brian hesitates for a second, but then accepts it, and everyone lets out a sigh of relief.

“thank you,” he says quietly.

“don’t be stupid,” jae cuts him off. “you need it more than i do.”

“alright,” their manager’s voice brings them back to reality. “they’ve just announced our gate, so we better hurry, i don’t want us to be late because we couldn’t find the gate on time.”

“right,” wonpil giggles, already imagining the scene.

the gate turns out to be closer than they expected, so they arrive a little early. the manager decides to use the restroom, and the others are too busy with their phones to notice it when brian steps closer to where jae sits on the floor and leans down to whisper something in his ear. jae blushes and nudges brian with his foot, to which he just laughs.

“he’s such an idiot,” jae comments later when they’re already in the air.

“but he’s your idiot,” wonpil muses with a grin and jae suddenly wants to kill him. “i’d be surprised if you told me you didn’t bring that pillow for him.”

“how on earth did you guess?!” jae asks, genuinely surprised, but wonpil just shrugs.

“nothing to guess, it’s obvious.”

jae only sighs instead of replying: maybe it is, but brian can’t see it yet.


End file.
